Writings
On Anger Awareness
(The first part of this article appeared in ADDult ADDvice last issue. If you happen to be a new member of ADD Resources and missed the last issue, you can request a copy of the issue from www.addresources.org. I'll do my best to summarize the key points of what was covered in the last article.)
What is anger? Anger is a “normal” emotion that is experienced by everyone. It isn't something that you outgrow. Please note that there is a difference between anger and aggression. Aggression is a behavior (road rage, slapping someone) that may result if you don't bring your anger under control. Anger is an emotion. We feel anger, but when we act out our feelings in a physical way (slamming doors, shouting, etc.), we are acting aggressively.
Is anger useful? Anger can be a useful, appropriate emotion that can be used constructively. Knowing how to recognize and express your anger can help you to reach goals, solve problems, improve communication, handle emergencies and even protect your health. Anger is an emotion/ feeling that you can learn to manage with practice. You have a choice in managing these thoughts, feelings, and negative self-talk. And, it is not easy to change.
The most obvious situation where anger can be helpful is when you are attacked or there is some sort of physical threat. Anger can also be adaptive when your boundaries are violated and can help you mobilize your resources to set appropriate limits. Anger can help you overcome your fear of asserting your needs.
When is anger hurtful? While anger can serve vital functions to protect and defend your integrity, it is too frequently an instrument that can destroy and abuse. Failure to recognize and understand our anger may lead to a variety of problems, including the impulse to lash out. Lack of understanding and management of our anger may lead us to employ strategies that are harmful to ourselves and to others. We may deny or anger or repress it. Some of us hang on to the “nice guy/ nice gal” image and not risk making waves.
It is widely believed that depression is the result of anger that has been denied or sublimated. Dr. Mathew McKay in When Anger Hurts says that “chronic suppressed anger is damaging because it mobilized the sympathetic nervous system responses without providing any release of the tension. The effect is the same as flooring the accelerator of your car at the same time as you are slamming on the brakes.”
How do we harness this sometimes powerful emotion and perhaps for the first time, begin to use it to our advantage? A three step process follows:
Step One: Awareness
Starting to identify when we start to feel angry is the first step. Anger comes in degrees from mild to severe and is triggered by an emotional stimulus that provokes emotional responses that are tied to thoughts. If you pay attention to your body, it'll send you signals that you are about to react. Often, we'll jump past this cue or awareness and react. Awareness and recognition of the physical sensations in our bodies will help us manage our experience. Ideally, it would be wonderful to avoid all over stimulating environments. Often, however, that is not a choice.
Some of you, having read the article in the last issue of the ADDvice, may have taken the time to start to create an awareness of your anger. If you didn't read the last issue, try recording the answers to the following questions daily for the next week in an anger journal. Often, seeing the process documented in your anger journal will reinforce your efforts:
- The number of times you got angry in that 24 hour period.
- Record on a scale of 1-10 how triggered you felt at your angriest (10 being most angry)
- Record on a scale of 1-10 how aggressively you acted when you were at your angriest.
- Record what it was that you said to yourself.
- What is the best guess about the underlying issue from the other person's point of view?
- What were your underlying feelings?
- What were your alternatives?
When you think back to anger-producing situations that you've recorded, it is likely that you recall experiencing intense feelings of anger. You may recall feelings of hostility or rage that may have overwhelmed you and led you to act in ways that did not improve the situation. Maybe you remember trying to control your angry feelings while in the situation and struggling to contain them all day. In order to better understand these feelings and bring them under your control, it is necessary to look at another aspect of the anger-producing situation: your thoughts.
Step Two: Examine the thoughts you had just before the angry situation
The second step of the process is to identify your anger “triggers” and common situations in which they occur so you can be prepared to respond differently. Changing a long-standing pattern of thinking is no easy task. But it's absolutely necessary. If you don't find ways to combat your trigger thoughts, they will continue to ignite anger.
Thoughts, beliefs, and assumptions about a situation influence how you feel about the situation. For example, if someone offers you help you with a project, you may think: "Hey, this person is trying to be helpful." This thought may lead to positive feelings towards the person. On the other hand, the thought: "Hey, this person is trying to look good by volunteering" may lead to angry feelings.
Sometimes the thoughts we have are accurate and sometimes they aren't and it is important to carefully examine your anger-producing thoughts to see if they are accurate or somewhat distorted. Distorted thoughts are inaccurate or less adaptive ways of thinking about a situation. For example, if a person says something critical about you and you think, "This person is a jerk," you will likely feel angry and respond to this person in an angry fashion. You may learn, however, that this person just found out they lost their job. Labeling a person based on one interaction is an example of a type of distorted thinking called overgeneralization. Listed below are some other types of distorted thinking and examples.
Example: "I was totally justified in yelling at my friend for
what he did!
Your assignment for week two is to create an awareness of anger triggers and identifying distorted thinking. Try using the chart below to confront your trigger thoughts and distortions in your anger journal. It's essential that you make a commitment to keep at this. It is tough work to keep examining your thoughts and to keep questioning what seemed so natural, so reasonable. But getting control of your anger requires that you become more and more aware of how trigger thoughts create upsetting feelings.
As this becomes easier, you can better identify your thoughts when you are in a situation and begin to feel angry. By identifying distorted thoughts and replacing them with more adaptive ways of thinking, you can keep yourself from becoming overwhelmed by anger in difficult situations.
- Labeling: You put a fixed, negative label on others without considering that the evidence might more reasonably lead to a different conclusion.
Example: "He's an idiot." "She's two-faced."
- Magnification: When you evaluate another person, you unreasonably magnify the negative and minimize the positive.
Example: "I saw him rolling his eyes when he talked to her. He must be heartless.”
- Personalization: You believe others are behaving negatively as a reaction to you, without considering other explanations for their behavior.
Example: "That guy is being cold to me because he thinks he's better than I am." (You are unaware that he just received some upsetting news from home.)
- "Should" or "must" statements: You have a precise, fixed idea of how others should behave and you overestimate how bad it is that these expectations are not met.
Example: "She should have called me by now. She must not care about our friendship."
- Tunnel vision: You only see the negative aspects of a situation.
Example: "My professor can't do anything right. He's critical, insensitive, and a lousy lecturer."
- All or nothing thinking: You view a situation in only two categories instead of on a continuum. Things are either good or bad; you are either perfect or a failure.
Example: "My friend doesn't agree with me on this issue, so he's completely non-supportive." "I just know I'm going to get an "F" on that exam!" (When a "B" is most likely).
- Fallacy of fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair, but other people won't agree with you.
Example: "Why can't my professor see that I deserve an "A"?"
- Blaming: You hold other people responsible for your feelings.
Example: "It's my roommate's fault I'm so angry."
- Fallacy of Change: You expect others will change to suit you if you pressure them enough.
Example: “If you just hear me out one more time, I'm sure you'll agree with me."
- Being Right: You are continually trying to prove that your opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrate your rightness.
Example: "I was totally justified in yelling at my friend for what he did!
Your assignment for week two is to create an awareness of anger triggers and identifying distorted thinking. Try using the chart below to confront your trigger thoughts and distortions in your anger journal. It's essential that you make a commitment to keep at this. It is tough work to keep examining your thoughts and to keep questioning what seemed so natural, so reasonable. But getting control of your anger requires that you become more and more aware of how trigger thoughts create upsetting feelings.
As this becomes easier, you can better identify your thoughts when you are in a situation and begin to feel angry. By identifying distorted thoughts and replacing them with more adaptive ways of thinking, you can keep yourself from becoming overwhelmed by anger in difficult situations.
| Situation | Trigger Thought | Distortion | Outcome | |
| Date: 3/12/04 | Disagreed w/ friend | He's non-supportive | All or nothing | thought about ending friendship |
| Date: |
Step Three: Find more adaptive ways of expressing and managing anger
The last step we'll look at is developing more accurate ways of expressing yourself. For each distorted thought you have written down in your anger journal, try a different way of thinking about the situation-- one that is more accurate and does not make you feel as angry. This may involve exploring the positive aspects of a person or a situation, identifying other possible reasons for the person's behavior, or looking at "the big picture" rather than focusing on one relatively small incident.
Take at look at the example in the chart above. How could this person respond differently? The disagreement with her friend left her feeling unsupported and due to her all-or-nothing thinking, she had serious thoughts about ending the friendship. Perhaps she could consider a couple of other responses to the situation keeping the following in mind:
- Be specific, not global
- Be non-judging
- Punishment and revenge won't get you what you want
- Check out all assumptions
- You and only you are responsible for your needs
- Recognize that people do the best they can given their awareness at the moment of choice
- Recognize that people do what is reinforcing for them to do. You can only get them to change by negotiating for and reinforcing new behavior. (McKay, M. When Anger Hurts. P.102.)
Remember, you have a choice in the way you respond to situations. It may take at least three months of consistent effort monitoring and confronting your angry thoughts before you begin to feel the tide turn. Commit to creating an anger journal. Begin by creating an awareness of when you begin to get angry. Note your experience(s) in your journal. Use your anger as a cue. Become an expert at identifying your triggers and your pattern of filtering/ distorted thinking. Remember that distorted thoughts are inaccurate or less adaptive ways of thinking about a situation.
Anger can be productive when it is expressed appropriately. When you're angry, have a plan. If you typically express your anger inappropriately, take a TIME OUT. That may mean leaving the situation and appropriately expressing your anger away from the people you might hurt or frighten.
Gradually, it will be less discomforting when the old trigger thoughts pop up. They will no longer sound so right, so convincing. In fact, you will begin to recognize them for what they really are-excuses to discharge pain, deceptions that trigger destructive aggression. You will find your new attitudes and beliefs beginning to take hold, and as you begin to accept more responsibility for your needs, you will move beyond anger to problem solving, negotiating and exploring the needs of others.
About ADHD
It is estimated that 4% to 6% of the U.S. population lives with ADHD. Of this 4%-6%, it is estimated that the ratios of men to women with ADHD range from 3:1 all the way to 6:1. Men are more likely to be diagnosed than females. Males will typically have ADHD with Hyperactivity (not always). Women will typically have ADHD without Hyperactivity.
Why is this? Girls/women of all ages have fewer
attention problems and less hyperactivity than
same-age boys/men. This seems consistent across
cultures. Girls/ women exhibit fewer disruptive
behavior disorders than boys/ men. Studies show
that this holds true even among girls whose
ADHD includes hyperactivity. It is believed
that ADHD in females is probably under diagnosed.
Some believe that we tend
to expect and have a greater tolerance for misbehavior
in boys. The culture accepts and rewards assertive
men but may tend to punish more assertive women
(look out Hillary!). Because of this, girls
with ADHD seem to have more problems with teachers
and peers than do boys with ADHD. Women have
more difficulty on the job. Issues of shame
and guilt seem to affect women more strongly
than they do men. Women are generally misdiagnosed
as depressed or with some form of auto-immune
disorder like fibromyalgia.
Patricia Quinn and Kathleen Nadeau, in their book Understanding Women with ADHD, are investigating the correlation between hormone levels and neurotransmitter levels. Interestingly, women are generally diagnosed in puberty or close to menopause. This has been my experience with many women I've worked with in my practice.
Undiagnosed ADHD women tend to feel overwhelmed. Because they continue to repeat the same behaviors and experience the same sense of failure, they tend to have low self esteem (note that this is a theme for most with ADHD). Women with ADHD seem to experience high rates of depression. According to ADDvance magazine, girls/women with ADHD experience more severe cases of PMS than do their non-ADHD peers.
Note: For further, current information on "Women with ADHD" pick up the book edited by Patricia Quinn, M.D. and Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D. called Understanding Women with ADD. In addition, please pick up a copy of any of Sari Solden's books.
- Labeling: You put a fixed, negative label on others without considering that the evidence might more reasonably lead to a different conclusion.
Example: "He's an idiot." "She's two-faced."
- Magnification: When you evaluate another person, you unreasonably magnify the negative and minimize the positive.
Example: "I saw him rolling his eyes when he talked to her. He must be heartless.”
- Personalization: You believe others are behaving negatively as a reaction to you, without considering other explanations for their behavior.
Example: "That guy is being cold to me because he thinks he's better than I am." (You are unaware that he just received some upsetting news from home.)
- "Should" or "must" statements: You have a precise, fixed idea of how others should behave and you overestimate how bad it is that these expectations are not met.
Example: "She should have called me by now. She must not care about our friendship."
- Tunnel vision: You only see the negative aspects of a situation.
Example: "My professor can't do anything right. He's critical, insensitive, and a lousy lecturer."
- All or nothing thinking: You view a situation in only two categories instead of on a continuum. Things are either good or bad; you are either perfect or a failure.
Example: "My friend doesn't agree with me on this issue, so he's completely non-supportive." "I just know I'm going to get an "F" on that exam!" (When a "B" is most likely).
- Fallacy of fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair, but other people won't agree with you.
Example: "Why can't my professor see that I deserve an "A"?"
- Blaming: You hold other people responsible for your feelings.
Example: "It's my roommate's fault I'm so angry."
- Fallacy of Change: You expect others will change to suit you if you pressure them enough.
Example: “If you just hear me out one more time, I'm sure you'll agree with me."
- Being Right: You are continually trying to prove that your opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrate your rightness.
Example: "I was totally justified in yelling at my friend for what he did!
Your assignment for week two is to create an awareness of anger triggers and identifying distorted thinking. Try using the chart below to confront your trigger thoughts and distortions in your anger journal. It's essential that you make a commitment to keep at this. It is tough work to keep examining your thoughts and to keep questioning what seemed so natural, so reasonable. But getting control of your anger requires that you become more and more aware of how trigger thoughts create upsetting feelings.
As this becomes easier, you can better identify your thoughts when you are in a situation and begin to feel angry. By identifying distorted thoughts and replacing them with more adaptive ways of thinking, you can keep yourself from becoming overwhelmed by anger in difficult situations.